Memory

This has nothing to do with my usual archaeology talk or relatedness. This is something more personal.

Memories that I want to remember but I'm afraid are already slipping from my mind.

We use to be with each other constantly. It took me long to gain your trust and really allow me to know you, but once we got past that point we were the best. I remember when I knew we were extremely close:
I had gotten an bubble tea and we took turns shooting the bubbles at trees and failing miserably. I begged you to let us stop and dip our feet in the creek. You said we could stop and rest but you wouldn't put your feet in. I begged for you to anyways, but finally gave up and stuck my own bare feet in the cool stream while sitting next to you on the limestone. We sat there talking of nothing. I noticed you take off your shoes and put your feet in the water, but I didn't say anything. I wore a smile though. And when you took a drink of my bubble tea without asking I knew that that was it. We were as close as I could get as a friend.

We stood in the cold at the bus stop. You had said something to upset me and I had turned away. I hadn't worn a warm jacket and was cold. You were always so oblivious to when I was upset. I asked if I could lean against you because I was cold. You agreed. I leaned my head against your chest and felt its warmth against my cheek. We stood in silence. I was crying. I have no idea what you were doing. All you said was "You smell nice." I sometimes wonder if you knew I cried that night.

I Need This

Archaeology is what I need. I love it so much and in a class the other day I felt so comfortable with knowing that it was where I belonged. Seeing as I have had class with many of the same people for two years now we all talk before class starts. The other day we joked that we would judge outside majors that if they were to take the class because there are dramatic differences between anthropologists in training and chemistry or business students.

Business students(pictured above...I don't know these people.) always look nice, have money(or act like it), and are usually frat or sorority members. The girls walk around campus in their Uggs with their Prada purses.

Archaeology students (pictured above... don't know them either) on the other hand barely get by and only belong to ourselves. Most guys don't do their hair, we have ratty clothes, loud mouths, and make our own purses or bags.We are the kind of people the have tattoos and are on the "fringe" of society because of our oddities.It's not only how we look but how we think and act. We all act weird and crazy.
And I know I belong with them.
I have finally found the place where I'm normal. I'm not an all out freak, but I go to the beat of my own drum, as my mother has said in the past.
According to my professors, my class is exactly how true archaeologists are: crazy as fuck (excuse my French).
So for now I know I am in good company with others that I will hopefully meet out in the field. Once I get there. When I get there.

That Doubt...

it is always in the pit of my stomach. I was sitting in class for the 6th semester in a row going "What if this is a big bust? What if I can never make it?". I know all people go through thoughts like that, but it almost sent be running from the room.
I want to be an archaeologist. I know it makes me happy, but I want to be like my professors and I don't know if I can ever make it to that level. That scares me. If I don't do well then I'll feel like a fool and like I have let my parents down. I wouldn't be able to take it if I made them disappointed.
I know I have the drive... but I don't know if I have the smarts. But I won't give up so there's no where else to go but forward.

I'm not there yet, but I'm somewhere...

And that's an accomplishment in itself.


I doubt that people will read this blog because it's:
A) Not about my kids (or lack thereof)
B) Not my journey through pregnancy 
C) Not about my Exciting travels
D) Not about my new marriage
E) Not about my deep poetry and thoughts
I looked through so many blogs and it was all those things (and for some reason problems that Malaysians are having?).
But I'm not at that point in my life. The journey for me is still going on. I want to get to all those things I mentioned, but not right now.

I'm sure this will be filled with drunken adventures, thoughts on archaeology(which is what I'm studying), and maybe some odds 'n ends.

I don't know why I want to write this blog, maybe it's to prove I exist, I have opinions. Maybe it's to rant... but maybe it's so when I make it to wherever it is I'll know it.